Robert P. Herbst
08-29-2007, 05:32 PM
WATERMELON TREE
Written June 29, 2007 Fiction 1034 Words
Copyright © 2007 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
As a general rule, when Yodar Hoopelhoffer, the Mount Perry town idiot, shows up for coffee in the morning, no one really gets excited. We know, all too well, he may be an idiot, but he’s also the luckiest man alive. Today was no exception. He sat down at the table and began telling us about how he’d been fired from his last job working for the eminent Genetics expert, Dr. Gene Splicer of the Mount Perry School of Genetic Engineering and Hazardous Nuclear Waste Disposal.
As yodar explained things, Dr. Splicer was working on a cross between a Pine Tree and a Pineapple Plant, in the hopes of creating the worlds first Pineapple Tree. Thus far, after many years of research and trials, he’d only been able to come up with a Pine Tree with Apples on it. Near to admitting defeat, he organized one last giant project in which he would attempt to splice the genes of several different unrelated species of tree, vine and bush type plants into one.
There, assembled on his laboratory table were the genes of hundreds of different plant types from all over the world.. Who could have dreamed Yodar, working there as a Janitor, would so completely frustrate the efforts of our eminent Dr. Splicer when, on seeing one bottle was three quarters full and another only a quarter full, he would pour some from the near full bottle into the near empty bottle, so the samples would look more uniform.
On seeing what had been done, Dr. Splicer had a fit, laying on the floor he kicked his feet and beat his hands bloody on the floor as he screamed the most terrible profanity at Yodar. Yodar, on seeing the trouble he’d caused and wanting to leave no evidence he was involved in the problem, ran off with the sample he’d mixed.
Once home, he poured part of the sample into a dish of growth medium, he’d taken earlier and subjected the genes to rays from a small lot of contaminated nuclear waste, he’d brought home to heat his house with.
According to Yodar, a seed formed in the growth medium. He took the seed outside and planted it in his yard, curious to see what would grow from his creation. Indeed, a plant did start to grow. It grew bigger over the years. The leaves on the plant were like none other. They were long and fleshy like banana leaves, but strong like pine needles. The tree grew to a height of fifteen feet before showing the first bloom.
Although Yodar did try to save the bloom, as he tells it, he must have used the wrong kind of fertilizer because the bloom dropped off without leaving a fruit. Over the next few years Yodar tried one kind of fertilizer after another to get his tree to produce a fruit. All to no avail. Then our friend Skitso Frenick mentioned he’d had remarkable results adding Epsom Salts to some of his plants he said looked kind of puny and possible with dire digestive difficulties.
He went on to tell Yodar how, almost over night, the plants perked up and began to produce fruit. He did caution Yodar, not to eat any of the fruit unless he was near a bathroom. Thus cautioned, Yodar raced to the super market and bought the large economy size bag of Epsom Salts. He sprinkled the salts just inside the drip line of his tree and sat back to watch.
The tree indeed looked very relieved and the next day set a flower. For some reason, the local bees would not pollinate the flower, so Yodar pollinated the flower himself with a Camel’s hair brush. The next day the flower was still on the tree and behind it, between the flower and the branch, Yodar could see a small fruit forming.
Excited and anxious to show someone the results of his efforts, He called Dr. Splicer out to look at his tree. Unfortunately, Dr. Splicer was none too anxious to have anything to do with Yodar and sent him away saying, “The Mount Perry town Idiot can’t possible accomplish what I needed to do and couldn’t.”
Naturally, Yodar was crushed and skulked away in disgrace. He sat for hours watching his tree as the fruit grew larger and larger. He poured more water on his tree and sang softly to it to encourage the growth of the fruit. He went back to Dr. Splicer to find out what two samples he’d mixed. Grudgingly, Dr. Splicer told him he’d taken the Genetic DNA of a Pear Tree and a Watermelon Plant.
He also informed Yodar he intended to take any credit for this genetic marvel to himself because they were his samples. Reluctantly, Yodar agreed. He took Dr. Splicer to the tree and showed him the fruit. Then he showed Dr, Splicer how he’s sprinkled the Epsom Salts around inside the drip line of the tree. Dr. Splicer showed no emotion, but was back a few days later with a group of his colleagues from the Mount Perry School of Genetic Engineering and hazardous Nuclear Waste Disposal.
They not only harvested the fruit, but sat down in Yodar’s kitchen to consume the fruit without even offering Yodar a piece. Yodar sat calmly back watching the scientists gorge themselves on the huge fruit from his tree. The fruit was about two feet in length and maybe a foot across at it’s widest. It was green and striped like a Charleston Grey Watermelon but had the flesh of a soft pear and with no annoying seeds.
Shortly after finishing the last of Yodar’s melon, a look of great distress came across the faces of the scientists. They began asking where the bathroom was. When Dr. Spliced pleaded for the use of Yodar’s bathroom, Yodar took a key out of his pocket and holding the key a few inches from Dr. Splicers nose said, “This is the key to my bathroom door, now please tell us again, Who’s Watermelon Tree is this?”
Written June 29, 2007 Fiction 1034 Words
Copyright © 2007 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
As a general rule, when Yodar Hoopelhoffer, the Mount Perry town idiot, shows up for coffee in the morning, no one really gets excited. We know, all too well, he may be an idiot, but he’s also the luckiest man alive. Today was no exception. He sat down at the table and began telling us about how he’d been fired from his last job working for the eminent Genetics expert, Dr. Gene Splicer of the Mount Perry School of Genetic Engineering and Hazardous Nuclear Waste Disposal.
As yodar explained things, Dr. Splicer was working on a cross between a Pine Tree and a Pineapple Plant, in the hopes of creating the worlds first Pineapple Tree. Thus far, after many years of research and trials, he’d only been able to come up with a Pine Tree with Apples on it. Near to admitting defeat, he organized one last giant project in which he would attempt to splice the genes of several different unrelated species of tree, vine and bush type plants into one.
There, assembled on his laboratory table were the genes of hundreds of different plant types from all over the world.. Who could have dreamed Yodar, working there as a Janitor, would so completely frustrate the efforts of our eminent Dr. Splicer when, on seeing one bottle was three quarters full and another only a quarter full, he would pour some from the near full bottle into the near empty bottle, so the samples would look more uniform.
On seeing what had been done, Dr. Splicer had a fit, laying on the floor he kicked his feet and beat his hands bloody on the floor as he screamed the most terrible profanity at Yodar. Yodar, on seeing the trouble he’d caused and wanting to leave no evidence he was involved in the problem, ran off with the sample he’d mixed.
Once home, he poured part of the sample into a dish of growth medium, he’d taken earlier and subjected the genes to rays from a small lot of contaminated nuclear waste, he’d brought home to heat his house with.
According to Yodar, a seed formed in the growth medium. He took the seed outside and planted it in his yard, curious to see what would grow from his creation. Indeed, a plant did start to grow. It grew bigger over the years. The leaves on the plant were like none other. They were long and fleshy like banana leaves, but strong like pine needles. The tree grew to a height of fifteen feet before showing the first bloom.
Although Yodar did try to save the bloom, as he tells it, he must have used the wrong kind of fertilizer because the bloom dropped off without leaving a fruit. Over the next few years Yodar tried one kind of fertilizer after another to get his tree to produce a fruit. All to no avail. Then our friend Skitso Frenick mentioned he’d had remarkable results adding Epsom Salts to some of his plants he said looked kind of puny and possible with dire digestive difficulties.
He went on to tell Yodar how, almost over night, the plants perked up and began to produce fruit. He did caution Yodar, not to eat any of the fruit unless he was near a bathroom. Thus cautioned, Yodar raced to the super market and bought the large economy size bag of Epsom Salts. He sprinkled the salts just inside the drip line of his tree and sat back to watch.
The tree indeed looked very relieved and the next day set a flower. For some reason, the local bees would not pollinate the flower, so Yodar pollinated the flower himself with a Camel’s hair brush. The next day the flower was still on the tree and behind it, between the flower and the branch, Yodar could see a small fruit forming.
Excited and anxious to show someone the results of his efforts, He called Dr. Splicer out to look at his tree. Unfortunately, Dr. Splicer was none too anxious to have anything to do with Yodar and sent him away saying, “The Mount Perry town Idiot can’t possible accomplish what I needed to do and couldn’t.”
Naturally, Yodar was crushed and skulked away in disgrace. He sat for hours watching his tree as the fruit grew larger and larger. He poured more water on his tree and sang softly to it to encourage the growth of the fruit. He went back to Dr. Splicer to find out what two samples he’d mixed. Grudgingly, Dr. Splicer told him he’d taken the Genetic DNA of a Pear Tree and a Watermelon Plant.
He also informed Yodar he intended to take any credit for this genetic marvel to himself because they were his samples. Reluctantly, Yodar agreed. He took Dr. Splicer to the tree and showed him the fruit. Then he showed Dr, Splicer how he’s sprinkled the Epsom Salts around inside the drip line of the tree. Dr. Splicer showed no emotion, but was back a few days later with a group of his colleagues from the Mount Perry School of Genetic Engineering and hazardous Nuclear Waste Disposal.
They not only harvested the fruit, but sat down in Yodar’s kitchen to consume the fruit without even offering Yodar a piece. Yodar sat calmly back watching the scientists gorge themselves on the huge fruit from his tree. The fruit was about two feet in length and maybe a foot across at it’s widest. It was green and striped like a Charleston Grey Watermelon but had the flesh of a soft pear and with no annoying seeds.
Shortly after finishing the last of Yodar’s melon, a look of great distress came across the faces of the scientists. They began asking where the bathroom was. When Dr. Spliced pleaded for the use of Yodar’s bathroom, Yodar took a key out of his pocket and holding the key a few inches from Dr. Splicers nose said, “This is the key to my bathroom door, now please tell us again, Who’s Watermelon Tree is this?”