Robert P. Herbst
08-31-2007, 10:23 AM
EXCESS BODY WEIGHT
Written March 29, 2003 Fiction 1521 Words.
Copyright © 2003 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
For years many people have complained about excess body weight jumping on them without reason. They insist, “It isn’t my fault, I don’t eat that much and I have this glandular condition.” Some of them even claim, the excess body weight was hiding in wait just around a corner in some dark place. When they reached the corner the body weight simply jumped on them.
Indeed, in restaurants these people opt for green salads with non fat dressings on them. How in the world would this make you fat unless the excess body weight was hiding just around the corner and jumped on you as you pass by with a loud "VROOM SPLUGCH!" just as they claim
Naturally the noise alone would be a dead giveaway about what happened, but none of the people interviewed mentioned hearing any noise. Instantly, the ugly head of suspicion is raised and a whimsical expression of curiosity spreads across the face
Naturally it couldn’t possibly have been that secret gallon of ice cream or box of candy in a plain brown paper bag. The manufacturers of such products assure us there is nothing in their product which might possibly cause excess body weight to jump on anyone. Yet in the same breath, they warn against walking on unlit streets ot in dark alley ways. Of one thing they are sure, their product is not responsible for causing excess body weight.
Recently the Mount Perry Scientific Community has decided to investigate this phenomenon. Their aim is to determine how to make this excess body weight leave without any undue dieting or exercise.
Secluding themselves deep in their think tank hundreds of feet under the surrounding swamp, our boys went to work on the problem.
They were down there for nearly six months, in total isolation and living on a rather austere diet of prepackaged caned and freeze dried food. As a result, when they emerged form their isolation, not one of them had gained any weight, in fact weight loss was recorded. This led our esteemed scientific community with three possibilities to consider.
1) Located hundreds of feet under the swamp in total seclusion and isolation. The excess body weight couldn’t get down there with them and as a result could not jump on them. This made good sense and there were many papers were written on this very subject.
A deep water isolation chamber was set up underwater a few miles off shore from Creepon Beach and outfitted for extended stays in total isolation. The chambers were set up with all the comforts of home so the subjects would not feel isolated, but right at home.
As part of this effort to keep the subjects happy during their stay, the chamber refrigerator was well stocked with ice cream, candy and sweet soda pop.
TV was piped in through an underwater line along with telephone service and lots of soap operas.
Large comfortable beds and sofas were provided for the subjects comfort.
The experiment was a dismal failure. Several of the subjects had to be covered in oil and pulled out through the exit hatch with a crane.
Obviously, the excess body weight had found them in their hiding place and jumped on them in spite of the scientists best efforts.
2) Another school of thought was, the body weight had been spirited into the chamber by some nefarious foreign agent and released on the unsuspecting subjects in the form of a gas or some chemical in the drinking water.
The air and water were carefully examined by several different agencies to make absolutely sure nothing was missed. It was determined, the air was pure and the water had absolutely nothing in it that could possibly cause anyone to gain so much weight in such a short period of time.
Long papers were written by proponents of this theory. Lengthy arguments between the opposing factions began to develop and heated discussions lasted on into the wee hours of the morning.
3) The last group insisted the subjects smuggled the excess body weight into the test chamber with them. The clothing each subject wore into the test chamber was carefully examined by forensic experts from several different departments for any trace of excess body weight.
This was made easier by the fact the test subjects had all become so large nothing they wore into the test chamber fit any more. It was a simple matter to go through the chamber and pick up the discarded items. Most of which were scattered about on the floor and well trampled.
These same people suggested the answer to the problem was to hide and wait just around the corner until some skinny little thing walks by and, "vroom splugch!" it becomes her problem as the experts watch and take notes. Now the subject needs to run like Hell to prevent any danger of a "!HCGULPS MOORV"
Several dozens of, — shall we say, healthy women, secreted themselves under rigorously controlled conditions in the hallways of The Mount Perry Hospital Psychiatric Ward, Profoundly Disturbed Wing, and when skinny patients passed by, they would jump out at them screaming "VROOM SPLUGCH!"
There was no apparent transfer of excess body weight, but there was a dramatic increase in grossly disfiguring bodily injury occurrences among the test subjects, at the Emergency Trauma Clinic.
Debates raged on into the night, fights broke out between the rival factions and the Mount Perry Police were called in to keep the scientists from killing one another. Volumes of printed material, both pro and con, spewed from the printers connected to the various computers used in the analyses of the situation.
After months of hard work and arguments no definitive answer to the problem could be found.
One day as he strolled by the scientists, Yodar Hoopelhoffer, the Mount Perry town idiot, who had a job sweeping the floors in the think tank, he happened to mention, “Yall should take away all that ice cream and candy, then give those folks something to do to keep them active.”
There was dead silence in the room for a moment or so until a voice way in the back of the room was heard to say, “That’s Yodar Hoopelhoffer, the Mount Perry town idiot, what the heck does he know about anything?”
The arguments started again, the police moved in to quell the violence and Yodar moved on down the hallway with his broom, humming softly to himself.
Written March 29, 2003 Fiction 1521 Words.
Copyright © 2003 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
For years many people have complained about excess body weight jumping on them without reason. They insist, “It isn’t my fault, I don’t eat that much and I have this glandular condition.” Some of them even claim, the excess body weight was hiding in wait just around a corner in some dark place. When they reached the corner the body weight simply jumped on them.
Indeed, in restaurants these people opt for green salads with non fat dressings on them. How in the world would this make you fat unless the excess body weight was hiding just around the corner and jumped on you as you pass by with a loud "VROOM SPLUGCH!" just as they claim
Naturally the noise alone would be a dead giveaway about what happened, but none of the people interviewed mentioned hearing any noise. Instantly, the ugly head of suspicion is raised and a whimsical expression of curiosity spreads across the face
Naturally it couldn’t possibly have been that secret gallon of ice cream or box of candy in a plain brown paper bag. The manufacturers of such products assure us there is nothing in their product which might possibly cause excess body weight to jump on anyone. Yet in the same breath, they warn against walking on unlit streets ot in dark alley ways. Of one thing they are sure, their product is not responsible for causing excess body weight.
Recently the Mount Perry Scientific Community has decided to investigate this phenomenon. Their aim is to determine how to make this excess body weight leave without any undue dieting or exercise.
Secluding themselves deep in their think tank hundreds of feet under the surrounding swamp, our boys went to work on the problem.
They were down there for nearly six months, in total isolation and living on a rather austere diet of prepackaged caned and freeze dried food. As a result, when they emerged form their isolation, not one of them had gained any weight, in fact weight loss was recorded. This led our esteemed scientific community with three possibilities to consider.
1) Located hundreds of feet under the swamp in total seclusion and isolation. The excess body weight couldn’t get down there with them and as a result could not jump on them. This made good sense and there were many papers were written on this very subject.
A deep water isolation chamber was set up underwater a few miles off shore from Creepon Beach and outfitted for extended stays in total isolation. The chambers were set up with all the comforts of home so the subjects would not feel isolated, but right at home.
As part of this effort to keep the subjects happy during their stay, the chamber refrigerator was well stocked with ice cream, candy and sweet soda pop.
TV was piped in through an underwater line along with telephone service and lots of soap operas.
Large comfortable beds and sofas were provided for the subjects comfort.
The experiment was a dismal failure. Several of the subjects had to be covered in oil and pulled out through the exit hatch with a crane.
Obviously, the excess body weight had found them in their hiding place and jumped on them in spite of the scientists best efforts.
2) Another school of thought was, the body weight had been spirited into the chamber by some nefarious foreign agent and released on the unsuspecting subjects in the form of a gas or some chemical in the drinking water.
The air and water were carefully examined by several different agencies to make absolutely sure nothing was missed. It was determined, the air was pure and the water had absolutely nothing in it that could possibly cause anyone to gain so much weight in such a short period of time.
Long papers were written by proponents of this theory. Lengthy arguments between the opposing factions began to develop and heated discussions lasted on into the wee hours of the morning.
3) The last group insisted the subjects smuggled the excess body weight into the test chamber with them. The clothing each subject wore into the test chamber was carefully examined by forensic experts from several different departments for any trace of excess body weight.
This was made easier by the fact the test subjects had all become so large nothing they wore into the test chamber fit any more. It was a simple matter to go through the chamber and pick up the discarded items. Most of which were scattered about on the floor and well trampled.
These same people suggested the answer to the problem was to hide and wait just around the corner until some skinny little thing walks by and, "vroom splugch!" it becomes her problem as the experts watch and take notes. Now the subject needs to run like Hell to prevent any danger of a "!HCGULPS MOORV"
Several dozens of, — shall we say, healthy women, secreted themselves under rigorously controlled conditions in the hallways of The Mount Perry Hospital Psychiatric Ward, Profoundly Disturbed Wing, and when skinny patients passed by, they would jump out at them screaming "VROOM SPLUGCH!"
There was no apparent transfer of excess body weight, but there was a dramatic increase in grossly disfiguring bodily injury occurrences among the test subjects, at the Emergency Trauma Clinic.
Debates raged on into the night, fights broke out between the rival factions and the Mount Perry Police were called in to keep the scientists from killing one another. Volumes of printed material, both pro and con, spewed from the printers connected to the various computers used in the analyses of the situation.
After months of hard work and arguments no definitive answer to the problem could be found.
One day as he strolled by the scientists, Yodar Hoopelhoffer, the Mount Perry town idiot, who had a job sweeping the floors in the think tank, he happened to mention, “Yall should take away all that ice cream and candy, then give those folks something to do to keep them active.”
There was dead silence in the room for a moment or so until a voice way in the back of the room was heard to say, “That’s Yodar Hoopelhoffer, the Mount Perry town idiot, what the heck does he know about anything?”
The arguments started again, the police moved in to quell the violence and Yodar moved on down the hallway with his broom, humming softly to himself.