Robert P. Herbst
08-31-2007, 08:38 PM
HAGGIS
Written September 20, 1999 Fiction 573 Words.
Copyright © 1999 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
We, here in, Mount Perry, Florida, have long been associated with efforts to protect the endangered animal species the world over. Imagine our horror when we found there were still tribes of wild, meat eating, red-bearded, kilt wearing, claymore wielding Scottish dwarfs beating the Heather to flush out the few remaining Wild Haggis’s, which live peacefully with the Grouse in the Highlands of Scotland.
Obviously they are being hunted into extinction, by these Wild Barbarians. They are hunted because of their tasty meat and the long bushy tails, with which the dwarf’s adorn their helmets.
The preparation of a meal from these peaceful little animals, would have be a blood curdling sight. You can just imagine the horror of watching these wild barbarians hewing off the tail of the poor wretched, squealing little animals, with their rusty and probably dull claymore swords. Then holding the tail aloft, still dripping blood, as they continue to hold the trapped animal down with one foot and roaring out the war cry of the Scottish Highlander’s. “OY VAY”
Now these vicious dwarfs go through the disgusting ritual of preparing the Haggis to eat. My tender nature prevents me from going into the gruesome details, but I can assure you the reader, it is actually much worse than you now picture in your mind. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. There is actually an argument over which of the hunters gets to eat the more tasty innards, --- raw, --- while still warm with the animals heat.
This, of course, is only one of the many vehicles needed to spread the “Mad Haggis Disease”, mistakenly called by some, the “Mad Chicken Disease”, which has spread so rampantly over the population of the Scottish Highlands. It is even rumored these evil dwarfs, still angry about their defeat by the British, so many years ago, have deliberately spread this terribly contagious disease to England itself.
I have this description from the pen of one of the very same, but more civilized, Scottish Highlanders of which we speak. It was sent to me via e-mail in an effort to get me to use the power of the pen to stop the slaughter! Thank God, for the power of the pen and Internet!
It is with this in mind I petition one and all, to help sponsor an effort to civilize the wild barbarians of the Scottish Highlands, curtailing the rampant and inhuman slaughter of the last few Wild Haggis’s in existence. We surly wouldn’t want them to go the same way the North American Naugha went.
I propose to start a foundation called “Save The Haggis”. I have suggested it be listed just ahead of the “Save The Whales” foundation on the National Registry. After all, there are a lot more whales out there than there are Haggis’s.
As part of the itinerary I propose to set up a school which will teach the Wild Highlanders the benefits of eating vegetables instead of Haggis. Just look what a vegetarian diet has done for the majority of the female population of Mount Perry, Florida.
After all, it could very well be the little fellows are so mean because they’re irregular. All this meat and potatoes isn’t good for you. You must also have greens in your diet. Lots of good veggies.
Written September 20, 1999 Fiction 573 Words.
Copyright © 1999 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
We, here in, Mount Perry, Florida, have long been associated with efforts to protect the endangered animal species the world over. Imagine our horror when we found there were still tribes of wild, meat eating, red-bearded, kilt wearing, claymore wielding Scottish dwarfs beating the Heather to flush out the few remaining Wild Haggis’s, which live peacefully with the Grouse in the Highlands of Scotland.
Obviously they are being hunted into extinction, by these Wild Barbarians. They are hunted because of their tasty meat and the long bushy tails, with which the dwarf’s adorn their helmets.
The preparation of a meal from these peaceful little animals, would have be a blood curdling sight. You can just imagine the horror of watching these wild barbarians hewing off the tail of the poor wretched, squealing little animals, with their rusty and probably dull claymore swords. Then holding the tail aloft, still dripping blood, as they continue to hold the trapped animal down with one foot and roaring out the war cry of the Scottish Highlander’s. “OY VAY”
Now these vicious dwarfs go through the disgusting ritual of preparing the Haggis to eat. My tender nature prevents me from going into the gruesome details, but I can assure you the reader, it is actually much worse than you now picture in your mind. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. There is actually an argument over which of the hunters gets to eat the more tasty innards, --- raw, --- while still warm with the animals heat.
This, of course, is only one of the many vehicles needed to spread the “Mad Haggis Disease”, mistakenly called by some, the “Mad Chicken Disease”, which has spread so rampantly over the population of the Scottish Highlands. It is even rumored these evil dwarfs, still angry about their defeat by the British, so many years ago, have deliberately spread this terribly contagious disease to England itself.
I have this description from the pen of one of the very same, but more civilized, Scottish Highlanders of which we speak. It was sent to me via e-mail in an effort to get me to use the power of the pen to stop the slaughter! Thank God, for the power of the pen and Internet!
It is with this in mind I petition one and all, to help sponsor an effort to civilize the wild barbarians of the Scottish Highlands, curtailing the rampant and inhuman slaughter of the last few Wild Haggis’s in existence. We surly wouldn’t want them to go the same way the North American Naugha went.
I propose to start a foundation called “Save The Haggis”. I have suggested it be listed just ahead of the “Save The Whales” foundation on the National Registry. After all, there are a lot more whales out there than there are Haggis’s.
As part of the itinerary I propose to set up a school which will teach the Wild Highlanders the benefits of eating vegetables instead of Haggis. Just look what a vegetarian diet has done for the majority of the female population of Mount Perry, Florida.
After all, it could very well be the little fellows are so mean because they’re irregular. All this meat and potatoes isn’t good for you. You must also have greens in your diet. Lots of good veggies.