Robert P. Herbst
09-01-2007, 10:48 PM
OYSTER RACING
Written April 13, 2007 Fiction 828 Words.
Copyright © 2007 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
Once again it is the time of year for the annual Mount Perry Oyster Race. Oysters specially prepared for this race are being brought in by the thousands from all over the world to participate in the race and possibly win the grand prize of ten thousand dollars for the fastest oyster alive.
Naturally Yodar Hoopelhoffer’s entry is the odds on favorite to win again this year if the great mystery of what happened to Yodar’s Oyster last year can be solved. Although Yodar is known as the Mount Perry, town idiot, he does have a clever trick or two up his sleeve. Great suspicion was raised last year after Yodar’s oyster took first prize at the annual race.
At the starting line, Yodar lit a cigarette for his oyster, because he stated, the oyster was so nervous about winning the race. Yodar’s oyster leaped from the starting line in a shower of sparks and a cloud of vile smelling smoke, then vanished into the water at the finish line some quarter mile away at speeds nearing MACH 2.
Foul play was initially suspected when the shell of Yodar’s oyster was found to be empty and scorched on the inside. As yodar explained it, his oyster had fallen asleep with a lit cigarette in it’s hand. When the inside of the shell burst into flame, his oyster raced to the nearest phone to dial 911 and get help to save it’s home.
Naturally, no one understood what the oyster was saying and the shell was thoroughly scorched by the time the fire department arrived to put out the blaze. Rather than leave a mess for someone else to clean yo, the firemen simply threw the scorched shell out into the Gulf of Mexico.
Yodar took his now naked oyster to a private rest home where the shivering shellfish was allowed to rest and grow a new shell. Ten thousand dollars can buy a stay in a very nice rest home. Yodar tried to collect on some disability insurance he’d bought for the oyster but the company disallowed the claim.
In order to avoid a repeat of last years unpleasant questioning, Yodar has agreed to keep his oyster in a tub of cool salt water until just before the race starts. Then, and only then, Yodar’s Oyster will be removed from the tub of water and placed on the starting line.
Naturally, as the oyster will be very nervous after last years near disqualification and disastrous home fire, Yodar will light the oyster’s cigarette just as the race starts. Oysters with lit cigarettes inside their shells tend to look quickly for the nearest water.
There was one loud cry of foul play from another contestant, who it was later found had been feeding his oyster minute quantities of Nitric Acid and Glycerine for several months and intended to start his oyster on down the track by bashing it smartly on the top of the shell with a two pound lump hammer.
Another entry was instantly disqualified when wheels were seen under the shell and it was discovered there was a clam inside the oyster shell getting ready to push itself along with it’s Pseudo Podia. The rules of the race specifically disqualify any organism other than an oyster inside the oyster shell entered in the race.
Two entries immediately left the starting line up before it could be discovered they had scallops inside their oyster shells. A British entry also left so no one would know he had a Cockle he’d found on the beach in England inside his oyster shell.
Now with a the race about to start, silence fell over the spectators. The starter raised his gun and fired it into the air. Yodar lit his oysters cigarette and it took off like it had the previous year in a cloud of vile smelling smoke and a shower of sparks.
The other oysters on the starting line apparently startled by the speed of Yodar’s oyster, remained where they had been placed in spite of the wild shower of vile language by their owners and trainers. This of course led to the annual raw oyster eating contest following each annual race. Many of the trainers shed a tear or two at seeing their trainees consumed thusly, — or was it a tad too much horse radish in the cocktail sauce?
Anyhow, Yodar’s oyster was once again gone and all anyone could find was the two halves of the scorched shell. Yodar insisted he’d provided a rest cure at a local resort for his oyster as a new shell was grown. I was going to ask Yodar about the little dab of Cocktail Sauce at the corner of his mouth, but he had agree to split his winnings with me if I didn’t mention last years race to anyone.
Written April 13, 2007 Fiction 828 Words.
Copyright © 2007 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
Once again it is the time of year for the annual Mount Perry Oyster Race. Oysters specially prepared for this race are being brought in by the thousands from all over the world to participate in the race and possibly win the grand prize of ten thousand dollars for the fastest oyster alive.
Naturally Yodar Hoopelhoffer’s entry is the odds on favorite to win again this year if the great mystery of what happened to Yodar’s Oyster last year can be solved. Although Yodar is known as the Mount Perry, town idiot, he does have a clever trick or two up his sleeve. Great suspicion was raised last year after Yodar’s oyster took first prize at the annual race.
At the starting line, Yodar lit a cigarette for his oyster, because he stated, the oyster was so nervous about winning the race. Yodar’s oyster leaped from the starting line in a shower of sparks and a cloud of vile smelling smoke, then vanished into the water at the finish line some quarter mile away at speeds nearing MACH 2.
Foul play was initially suspected when the shell of Yodar’s oyster was found to be empty and scorched on the inside. As yodar explained it, his oyster had fallen asleep with a lit cigarette in it’s hand. When the inside of the shell burst into flame, his oyster raced to the nearest phone to dial 911 and get help to save it’s home.
Naturally, no one understood what the oyster was saying and the shell was thoroughly scorched by the time the fire department arrived to put out the blaze. Rather than leave a mess for someone else to clean yo, the firemen simply threw the scorched shell out into the Gulf of Mexico.
Yodar took his now naked oyster to a private rest home where the shivering shellfish was allowed to rest and grow a new shell. Ten thousand dollars can buy a stay in a very nice rest home. Yodar tried to collect on some disability insurance he’d bought for the oyster but the company disallowed the claim.
In order to avoid a repeat of last years unpleasant questioning, Yodar has agreed to keep his oyster in a tub of cool salt water until just before the race starts. Then, and only then, Yodar’s Oyster will be removed from the tub of water and placed on the starting line.
Naturally, as the oyster will be very nervous after last years near disqualification and disastrous home fire, Yodar will light the oyster’s cigarette just as the race starts. Oysters with lit cigarettes inside their shells tend to look quickly for the nearest water.
There was one loud cry of foul play from another contestant, who it was later found had been feeding his oyster minute quantities of Nitric Acid and Glycerine for several months and intended to start his oyster on down the track by bashing it smartly on the top of the shell with a two pound lump hammer.
Another entry was instantly disqualified when wheels were seen under the shell and it was discovered there was a clam inside the oyster shell getting ready to push itself along with it’s Pseudo Podia. The rules of the race specifically disqualify any organism other than an oyster inside the oyster shell entered in the race.
Two entries immediately left the starting line up before it could be discovered they had scallops inside their oyster shells. A British entry also left so no one would know he had a Cockle he’d found on the beach in England inside his oyster shell.
Now with a the race about to start, silence fell over the spectators. The starter raised his gun and fired it into the air. Yodar lit his oysters cigarette and it took off like it had the previous year in a cloud of vile smelling smoke and a shower of sparks.
The other oysters on the starting line apparently startled by the speed of Yodar’s oyster, remained where they had been placed in spite of the wild shower of vile language by their owners and trainers. This of course led to the annual raw oyster eating contest following each annual race. Many of the trainers shed a tear or two at seeing their trainees consumed thusly, — or was it a tad too much horse radish in the cocktail sauce?
Anyhow, Yodar’s oyster was once again gone and all anyone could find was the two halves of the scorched shell. Yodar insisted he’d provided a rest cure at a local resort for his oyster as a new shell was grown. I was going to ask Yodar about the little dab of Cocktail Sauce at the corner of his mouth, but he had agree to split his winnings with me if I didn’t mention last years race to anyone.