Robert P. Herbst
09-06-2007, 02:28 PM
THE MOUNT PERRY FLORIDA SKI JUMP
Written July 9, 2001 Fiction 1306 Words.
Copyright © 2001 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
Once again, The Mount Perry Sports Club has amazed the sporting world with the announcement of the grand opening of their 150,000 ft. 6.5 inch, ski jump. Our ski jump will be open year-round. Snow will be removed from the peak of our beloved mountain and packed on the ski jump in areas found to be too warm to freeze during the summer months.
This ski jump is the first of its kind anywhere in the world. Other people have built smaller, insignificant, ski jumps consisting of long wooden ramps on which snow is packed so the ski jumpers can slide from the top to the bottom where there is a raised portion allowing them to become airborne.
The ski jump here at Mount Perry, is designed so a ski jumper can start near the peak of our beloved mountain and slide nearly to the bottom before the jump is angled up to allow the jumper to attain flight at a speed of approximately Mach 2.
Yes, The Mount Perry Sports Club has used the entire mountainside as a ski jump. There is one long, narrow, unbroken line from the top to the foot of the mountain. The up-angled portion of the jump was formed naturally when a recent pyroclastic flow deposited a number of huge rocks at the bottom of our beloved mountain. Jumpers are expected to reach speeds close to terminal velocity or better long before reaching the bottom of the ramp.
The jagged points of some of these rocks have been allowed to protrude out through the snow and ice. This makes the run a bit more interesting to the true sportsman. As these rocks are worn smooth by the constant impact of skiers, other jagged rocks are moved it to replace them. To those worthy souls who were unable to avoid the rocks at the bottom of the slope we say, “Keep practicing and better luck next time.” as we visit them in their hospital rooms.
There have been reports of some jumpers whose screams of terror as they started their run at the top of the slope, were heard at the bottom of the slope only after the ski jumper had cleared the area. This indicates the ski jumper was very likely moving in excess of the speed of sound by the time he reached the bottom of the run.
This is expected to have a tremendous impact on the caliber of jumpers who will arrive in Mount Perry during the next six months in preparation for the First Annual Mount Perry Olympic Ski Jump Competition. We hope, by the time these competitors arrive in Mount Perry our ski jump will be fully operational.
At the present moment there is no specific area designated at the bottom of the jump for the participants to land in. The architects responsible for building the ski jump have yet to determine exactly where a jumper, exceeding the speed of sound at the point of lift off, will land. We assume this delay has been caused because we have exceeded the field of architecture and we are now concerned with ballistics.
At present there are several hundred acres of swamp land designated as “landing area” for those using the ski jump. Fortunately, this entire area is covered by a thick layer of soft mud. We need such a large area, because volunteers to calibrate the range are becoming increasingly hard to find. We know they are landing out there somewhere, we just can’t figure out exactly where.
Recent tests have been done with draftees snatched from the streets of Mount Perry and forcibly encouraged to participate in the tests. These people do not really make good test subjects as they tend to leave long scratch marks at the top of the slope where they have dug their fingernails into the packed snow at the start their run.
Once the range has been calibrated, the area in which the jumpers land will be solidified with some stabilizing chemical such as cement. After all we can't have our visitors getting all covered with mud every time a jump is made. Nor can we have all the nice soft mud, now in the area, splattered out into the surrounding areas. This practice of “Unintentional Landfill” would be frowned upon by the local ecology community.
Our engineers understand, because of weight differences, some of these jumpers will travel further than others. For those lightweight jumpers who feel insecure in they might land short of the landing area. We hasten to advise, a large trampoline has been prepared to catch them and throw them on into the designated landing area. They also have the option of filling their pockets with lead shot to increase their weight to the calculated norm.
For those jumpers a few pounds over weight, “Bon-Voyage!”
We have carefully considered the views of Animal Rights Activists who say construction of the landing area will displace a large numbers of the indigenous animal life. The only animals known to exist in the landing area, in any great number whatsoever, are alligators, poisonous snakes, carnivorous insects, local Red Necks and the occasional wild Indian.
We are pleased to announce; no such animals will be displaced by this project. The alligators, poisonous snakes and carnivorous insects normally found in this area will be rounded up during construction of the landing zone. They will be placed in special holding pens and kept comfortable by trained handlers.
Later, they will be reintroduced onto the solidified part of the landing area to greet the jumpers as they land. The wild Indians and Red Necks are on their own and are advised to search the sky for incoming skiers.
Our fearless elected leader’s feel, this should be enough to satisfy any Animal Rights Activists concerns. They will even be encouraged to participate in this event when trials start, if they can be found, rounded up and intimidated into participating, if necessary.
The Mount Perry Traffic Court has a long history of providing overtime parking and “J” walking violators for civic duties such as these and also for providing “pairs” for the Gladiatorial Games held every Sunday, -- after church.
Armed guards at the top of the ski jump will insure every Animal Rights activist gets his/her chance on the jump in the order of their arrival. No one desiring an opportunity on the jump will be denied their place in line. Those few who decide, at the last moment, not to participate will be encouraged to continue, -- at gunpoint.
As an incentive to their participation in the ski jump event, all Animal Rights Activists desiring to be included in this years ski jump competition, will be allow to participate on skis loaned to them by the Mount Perry Sports Club. A special fund has been set up for just this purpose. The bottom of the skis are painted with a picture of a “clay pigeon” instead of the usual solid color. Of some concern to these intrepid skiers is the starter at the top of the run yelling “PULL!” instead of “Ok Start.”
Those activists who do not chose to avail themselves of this offer will be sent on down the slope free of charge, after being rounded up, by the Mount Perry Hunting and Fishing Society, with a complete covering of warm tar and fluffy white feathers.
We all know, a hungry alligator is a cranky alligator. With this in mind the Animal Rights Activists will be encouraged to jump first thus resolving the problem of hungry alligators in the landing areas long before the more professional participants try their skill. This should satisfy both alligator, activists and skier.
Written July 9, 2001 Fiction 1306 Words.
Copyright © 2001 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
Once again, The Mount Perry Sports Club has amazed the sporting world with the announcement of the grand opening of their 150,000 ft. 6.5 inch, ski jump. Our ski jump will be open year-round. Snow will be removed from the peak of our beloved mountain and packed on the ski jump in areas found to be too warm to freeze during the summer months.
This ski jump is the first of its kind anywhere in the world. Other people have built smaller, insignificant, ski jumps consisting of long wooden ramps on which snow is packed so the ski jumpers can slide from the top to the bottom where there is a raised portion allowing them to become airborne.
The ski jump here at Mount Perry, is designed so a ski jumper can start near the peak of our beloved mountain and slide nearly to the bottom before the jump is angled up to allow the jumper to attain flight at a speed of approximately Mach 2.
Yes, The Mount Perry Sports Club has used the entire mountainside as a ski jump. There is one long, narrow, unbroken line from the top to the foot of the mountain. The up-angled portion of the jump was formed naturally when a recent pyroclastic flow deposited a number of huge rocks at the bottom of our beloved mountain. Jumpers are expected to reach speeds close to terminal velocity or better long before reaching the bottom of the ramp.
The jagged points of some of these rocks have been allowed to protrude out through the snow and ice. This makes the run a bit more interesting to the true sportsman. As these rocks are worn smooth by the constant impact of skiers, other jagged rocks are moved it to replace them. To those worthy souls who were unable to avoid the rocks at the bottom of the slope we say, “Keep practicing and better luck next time.” as we visit them in their hospital rooms.
There have been reports of some jumpers whose screams of terror as they started their run at the top of the slope, were heard at the bottom of the slope only after the ski jumper had cleared the area. This indicates the ski jumper was very likely moving in excess of the speed of sound by the time he reached the bottom of the run.
This is expected to have a tremendous impact on the caliber of jumpers who will arrive in Mount Perry during the next six months in preparation for the First Annual Mount Perry Olympic Ski Jump Competition. We hope, by the time these competitors arrive in Mount Perry our ski jump will be fully operational.
At the present moment there is no specific area designated at the bottom of the jump for the participants to land in. The architects responsible for building the ski jump have yet to determine exactly where a jumper, exceeding the speed of sound at the point of lift off, will land. We assume this delay has been caused because we have exceeded the field of architecture and we are now concerned with ballistics.
At present there are several hundred acres of swamp land designated as “landing area” for those using the ski jump. Fortunately, this entire area is covered by a thick layer of soft mud. We need such a large area, because volunteers to calibrate the range are becoming increasingly hard to find. We know they are landing out there somewhere, we just can’t figure out exactly where.
Recent tests have been done with draftees snatched from the streets of Mount Perry and forcibly encouraged to participate in the tests. These people do not really make good test subjects as they tend to leave long scratch marks at the top of the slope where they have dug their fingernails into the packed snow at the start their run.
Once the range has been calibrated, the area in which the jumpers land will be solidified with some stabilizing chemical such as cement. After all we can't have our visitors getting all covered with mud every time a jump is made. Nor can we have all the nice soft mud, now in the area, splattered out into the surrounding areas. This practice of “Unintentional Landfill” would be frowned upon by the local ecology community.
Our engineers understand, because of weight differences, some of these jumpers will travel further than others. For those lightweight jumpers who feel insecure in they might land short of the landing area. We hasten to advise, a large trampoline has been prepared to catch them and throw them on into the designated landing area. They also have the option of filling their pockets with lead shot to increase their weight to the calculated norm.
For those jumpers a few pounds over weight, “Bon-Voyage!”
We have carefully considered the views of Animal Rights Activists who say construction of the landing area will displace a large numbers of the indigenous animal life. The only animals known to exist in the landing area, in any great number whatsoever, are alligators, poisonous snakes, carnivorous insects, local Red Necks and the occasional wild Indian.
We are pleased to announce; no such animals will be displaced by this project. The alligators, poisonous snakes and carnivorous insects normally found in this area will be rounded up during construction of the landing zone. They will be placed in special holding pens and kept comfortable by trained handlers.
Later, they will be reintroduced onto the solidified part of the landing area to greet the jumpers as they land. The wild Indians and Red Necks are on their own and are advised to search the sky for incoming skiers.
Our fearless elected leader’s feel, this should be enough to satisfy any Animal Rights Activists concerns. They will even be encouraged to participate in this event when trials start, if they can be found, rounded up and intimidated into participating, if necessary.
The Mount Perry Traffic Court has a long history of providing overtime parking and “J” walking violators for civic duties such as these and also for providing “pairs” for the Gladiatorial Games held every Sunday, -- after church.
Armed guards at the top of the ski jump will insure every Animal Rights activist gets his/her chance on the jump in the order of their arrival. No one desiring an opportunity on the jump will be denied their place in line. Those few who decide, at the last moment, not to participate will be encouraged to continue, -- at gunpoint.
As an incentive to their participation in the ski jump event, all Animal Rights Activists desiring to be included in this years ski jump competition, will be allow to participate on skis loaned to them by the Mount Perry Sports Club. A special fund has been set up for just this purpose. The bottom of the skis are painted with a picture of a “clay pigeon” instead of the usual solid color. Of some concern to these intrepid skiers is the starter at the top of the run yelling “PULL!” instead of “Ok Start.”
Those activists who do not chose to avail themselves of this offer will be sent on down the slope free of charge, after being rounded up, by the Mount Perry Hunting and Fishing Society, with a complete covering of warm tar and fluffy white feathers.
We all know, a hungry alligator is a cranky alligator. With this in mind the Animal Rights Activists will be encouraged to jump first thus resolving the problem of hungry alligators in the landing areas long before the more professional participants try their skill. This should satisfy both alligator, activists and skier.