Take off the fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning because there was a distinct chill in the air due to the temperature dropping below 73ºF. Carefully fold each item, and place in clothes hamper. Walk to bathroom. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh immediately. Look at your womanly figure in the mirror, and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you¹re getting fat. Position the shower nozzle pointing away from you, and turn on the water.
Get into the shower, once you have found it through all that steam. Look for face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah,and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with Cucumber & Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash your hair again with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash your hair once again (just to make sure) with Cucumber & Lamfrey Shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition your hair with Cucumber & Lamfrey Conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Watch falling hair accumulate around drain strainer. Wash your face with Crushed Apricot Facial Scrub until red. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash.
Complain bitterly when you realize your husband has once again been eating our Ginger Nut & Jaffa Cake Body Wash. Rinse Conditioner of hair, a process which should take at least 15 minutes, as you must be sure it all comes off.
Shave armpits, and evaluate whether there is enough time and hot water left to do legs.
Slick hair back, and pretend you are Bo Derek. Use Pumice Stone to soften rough spots on feet. Use Massage Mitt to reduce cellulite on thighs. Use nail brush to clean toenails.
Scream loudly (high F# is an especially effective note to reach for) when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of scalding water. Cover your entire body with baby oil. Turn hot water on full, and rinse off, making shower dangerously slippery for your husband. Pat yourself dry, and then rub briskly all over with a towel the size of a small African country.
Check entire body for the remotest sign of a spot, or new hair in an uncommon place.
Apply Body Lotion from the neck down. Moisturize, Moisturize, Moisturize! Return to bedroom wearing your long dressing gown and towel on head, covering up suddenly if you see your husband. Blow dry hair using an appliance powerful enough to lift Dorothy’s whole farm out of Kansas.
HOW MEN SHOWER
Enter shower, turn on water. Soap and Rinse. Turn off shower Towel dry. If no towel available, just roll over once on the bed.
Done.
