Race Car Drivers

RACE CAR DRIVERS
Written September 6, 2000 Fiction 1175 Words.
Copyright © 2001 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.

By

Robert P. Herbst

In an on going effort to make sure no Mount Perry Resident is discriminated against for any recognized disability, The Mount Perry Race Car Drivers Association has made it mandatory to issue driving certificates to anyone who desires one a Race Car Drivers License.
The only exception to this rule was the Mount Perry town idiot, Yodar Hoopelhoffer. It was unanimously decided Yodar was just too stupid to put behind the wheel of any vehicle capable of powered movement, no matter how lucky he was. After all, there were the other drivers to consider, not to mention the millions of spectators..
Now, with the start of the big, “750 Mile Circle Track Race”, only days away, hundreds of novice drivers have flooded the Mount Perry Race Drivers Practice Course, to train for the big event. This year the race course will circle Mount Perry in a spiral run upward to the 3,000 foot mark where the pits and pit crews are located.
The first leg of the race will be straight down the mountain side, on an approximately 30 degree incline to the base, where the racers will begin their spiral upward to the pits and winners circle.
There is a large tree at the first turn after the downhill straight of way. Naturally, this obstruction will add an element of excitement for the spectators and a great number of them have clustered behind the tree to view the cars taking their first turn.
The race cars will be started down the straight of way at intervals of one minute. This will make the race a test of speed rather than defensive driving skill. For the spectators, there are always those many points at which the spiral track crosses the straight of way. There intersections should prove interesting to even the most discriminating spectator.
Naturally, the race will be followed closely by the owners of the Mount Perry Salvage Yard and Vehicle Reclamation Center. Their tow trucks are always a welcome addition to our tracks maintenance and clean up crews. They also add an element of excitement as they park at the tracks many crossing points while attempting to pry the crashed vehicles apart.
We were all happy to see Hangover Smith participating. He is the worlds only quadruple amputee race car driver. Unfortunately, as he entered so late, he was able to make only one practice run. He managed to make a great score even though he was driving a completely untested voice activated computerized race car. This was his first try behind the wheel of his new super powered, jet propelled, race car.
Of course, we all hope he remembers to program the words, “Breaks On!” into his voice recognition program before his next attempt at a Land Speed Record on this track.
Even though the damage appears to be rather extensive, repairs to the first turn, after the straight of way, are expected to be complete well before the race starts.
Our intrepid racer, Hangover Smith, intends to try again, provided, his jet powered vehicle can be pried out of the tree at the bottom of the straight of way into which it impacted. He has hired a replacement driver and his pit crew will be working through the night on whatever parts can be salvaged from the tree.
Although some parts of the front end of his car, seem to have made it all the way through the tree, there is some question about whether or not they can ever be used again. The rear end of the car still sticks a little way out into the track.
We all appreciate the efforts of Mr. Fullspeed Krinkelfender as he tried to push Smith’s car the rest of the way through the tree. The remains of his car should also be removed without any further problems, as they are located on the outside on the tree, although mingled with the parts of Smith’s car. Separation of the two vehicles is expected to take some time.
Although he did not impact the tree itself, he did manage to flatten what was left of Mr. Smith’s car onto the side of the tree. This removed any hazzard posed by the remains of Smith’s car which protruded out over the track.
Both drivers survived the crashes with no major, grossly disfiguring injuries and are expected to be released from the Mount Perry Intensive Care Unit in about a year or two. Plastic surgery will probably not be needed as they were both kind of ugly to begin with. There are some who say, candidly, this is an improvement.
Personally, I don’t think I would have tried to push the other car the rest of the way through the tree at the speed Krinkelfender was moving. 215 Miles per hour does seem a bit excessive. But in reality, it was a judgement call.
Our hats are off to those intrepid, but inexperienced, race car drivers and their pit crews, from the profoundly disturbed ward at the Mount Perry Mental Health Institute. They were practicing a little too close the edge of the cliff. On the last turn before the winners circle, they went off the road and over the cliff, taking most of their pit crew with them.
This is the point where the 3000 foot Mount Perry Water Fall cascades into Lake Mount Perry at the bottom of the Falls. Better luck next year fellows! One of the surviving pit crew was heard to mumble, “The microwave oven told me this would happen.”
Fortunately one of the drivers was wearing his U. S. Coast Guard Approved Flotation Device at the time and almost survived. It should be noted in the technical manual, it wasn’t the fall which killed them, it was the sudden stop at the end which did the real damage.
The hungry Pirana living in Lake Mount Perry made any lengthy cleanup unnecessary. This completely satisfied the ecologists who were concerned about the deceased drivers polluting our beautiful lake.
The team fielded by the Mount Perry Suicide Prevention Association didn’t even bother with the track, they just drove straight across the infield, across the track and over the cliff, without even trying for points. The judges are presently reviewing their program and will make a determination at a later date. Unfortunately none of them left a note saying why they did this.
Of course we are all excited by the participation of the worlds only totally blind race car driver, Mr. Merging Traffic, and his brand new, but as yet untested, experimental, radar guided race car. At race speeds of over 200 miles per hour, he’s only going to get one chance to prove his idea. A long string has been laid alongside the track for him to guide himself back to the pit if all else fails.
This years race should prove to be lots of fun for all who attend.

My God! This is even more insane than the Wacky Races cartoons! :icon_lol: :icon_lol: :icon_lol:



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Where can I buy a spectator's ticket?
I want to stand behind the tree too.

As you already know, there's no safety behind the tree. These races are best viewed from the spectator stands used by the local folk. Try to pick a spot with something very solid nearby for you to duck behind.