The Mount Perry Highland Schlonk
THE MOUNT PERRY HIGHLAND SCHLONK
Written April 4, 2000 Fiction 1738 Words.
Copyright © 2000 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
In its ongoing effort to protect the wild life which cavorts so freely in our beautiful woodlands. The Mount Perry Fish and Game Authority devised a new method of helping the Mount Perry Highland Schlonk, a long, metallic-green colored, slimy, eel-like fish, reach its natural breeding grounds in the headwaters of the Mount Perry River.
This is the river which runs from the edge of the Mount Perry Glacier, over the 3000 foot high Mount Perry Water Falls, to Lake Mount Perry at the bottom of our beloved snow capped mountain.
They have proposed a step system to get the Schlonk past the mighty Mount Perry Hydro Electric Company Dam, which now restricts our slippery little friends in their efforts to reach their habitual breeding grounds.
With this new “step ladder system” in place the Schlonk will no longer have to risk swimming through and clogging the impellers, of the great hydro electric turbines which produce the electrical power for our beautiful town so cheaply.
A series of two foot tall steps will be created around one side of the monstrous Mount Perry Hydro Electric Company Dam, the Schlonk should be able to slither from step to step on their way to the breeding grounds. This shouldn’t be very taxing of their strength. We know they are going to need every ounce of energy at the breeding grounds doing what the Schlonk does best in life.
The Schlonk, being about three feet in length at breeding time, is not expected to have any problem with a two foot tall step. It merely rears up on its tail and hook its chin over the top of the next step. Then with a kick of its long tail, push itself up and over the top. Recent tests of this procedure went very well.
It is estimated at least three billion Schlonk a year will be using these steps beginning at the start of their breeding season in March and continuing on through April. There will be walkways along the sides of the step system with portholes under the water line so the citizens of Mount Perry can watch their tax dollar and handy work in action.
An organization called “Save The Schlonk” is credited with pushing a bill through the Swamp County General Meeting which mandated the building of the steps at a cost of no more than three hundred million dollars. These activists maintained, according to their studies, the Schlonk was a great game fish and had many uses besides the eating of their tasty flesh.
A special bond issue was floated by the Swamp County Board of Elected Officials so the steps could be built before the next breeding season and the Schlonk population would not be further diminished by being unable to reach their habitual breeding grounds.
The bond provided for a non-refundable ten percent increase in all local and county taxes to pay for the project, over the next ten years. Payment of the bond is further guaranteed by Swamp County’s ability to levy additional taxes for just this purpose.
On the day the bill for the installation of the steps was approved, there was great rejoicing and a celebration in the streets of Mount Perry, Florida. There were parades, fireworks, and general merry making. There was even a free fillet of Schlonk with beans, dinner for all in attendance, planned.
Save The Schlonk activists were praised for their work to save the lowly Schlonk and their efforts were made legendary in our town. A statue of our very own naturalist, Prof. I. Eatweeds was proposed to stand out in front of the Swamp County Court House holding a dead Schlonk in his hands, there was even supposed to be a little stream of water coming out of the Schlonk’s open mouth.
There were free drinks and merry making in every corner of Mount Perry, every corner that is, except one. There always has to be at least one note of discord in every group. In this case it was our very own intrepid sportsman and hunter, Mr. I. Katchum.
No one paid much attention to Mr. Katchum’s warnings until about half way through the fillet of Schlonk dinner. It was then the good citizens of Mount Perry suddenly realized fillet of Schlonk didn’t taste very good.
On the evening of the celebration the wind was mercifully still and the smoke from the cook fires rose straight up. At first no one paid much attention to the odd smell hanging in the air like a funeral pall over the merrymakers.
The first indication something was wrong, was when one young guest was heard to say, “Mama! What is that awful smell? Is someone burning old tires here?”
His mother answered, “That’s the Schlonk dear, doesn’t it smell just wonderful cooking over the open fire?”
The young man was heard to answer, “NO! Mama how can you say a thing like that? You haven’t been able to smell anything since you worked at the, ‘Crab Pickers Packing House’ and fell into the waste shell bin. Please, lets go home. This stuff smells awful.”
The young man was dragged kicking and screaming on into the park by his mother. It should have been a warning to the rest of the guests. Yet the atmosphere was so heady no one seemed to notice.
Then someone pointed out the Schlonk was corroding its way through the cast iron grating over the cook fires and falling into the fire still alive and kicking. A green slime seemed to ooze from the flesh corroding everything it touched and make maintenance of the fire difficult.
Dense columns of thick, black, poisonous smelling smoke rose from every spot where the ooze touched the hot coals at each of the many cooking fires. Those chosen to do the cooking were gaging and choking at their stations.
A light breeze wafted in from the swamp bearing hoards of carnivorous insects which instantly began feeding on those gathered for the celebration. Another breeze wafted in and carried some of the smoke from the cooking Schlonk into the insects. The insects fell from the air, dead before they hit the ground.
Dinner was served and first one then another of the merry makers turned a strange shade of green and began falling to the ground holding their stomachs. As the Schlonk worked its way through the digestive system, other even less pleasant symptoms began to manifest themselves.
An ambulance arrived and parked in an area where the smoke came in contact with it. Within minutes there was no paint left on the ambulance. Its motor stopped and refused every attempt to restart it. Using every means at their disposal, hundreds of guests were rushed to the Intensive Care Facility at the Mount Perry Hospital.
According to one survivor, “The Schlonk had the taste and consistency of an old rubber inner tube, from the tire of a truck which has been used to haul hogs overland, through a freshly manured field on a hot humid day.” Many people became violently ill after eating only a small portion of it.
In a recent interview, another survivor of the dinner stated, “The taste of the Schlonk was terrible and it almost seemed as if the thing was still alive.” This seemed to be the general consensus of opinion among those who tried to eat the Schlonk and were later taken to the hospital.
An unnamed hospital spokesperson indicated, there were large numbers of vile and disgusting internal parasites found in each of the victims.
It was only then, Mr. Katchum was questioned about his reasons for being the only dissenting voice in the entire town. Mr. Katchum started out by saying, “The Schlonk is the only fish in the world which had absolutely no redeeming qualities.”
As for being a game fish, Mr. Katchum continued, “The Schlonk is the only fish, I know of, which when hooked just laid there on the bottom waiting to be reeled in without a fight.”
Only now did anyone bother to check the history of the region. They found, the local Indians had considered the Schlonk inedible and completely worthless long before the first European settlers arrived in Florida.
According to the Indians Mr. Katchum had spoken to, the fish couldn’t even be used as fertilizer because the, seemingly dead, fish would come back to life with the first rain storm and slither silently off the field on which they had been thrown.
The local Indians usually killed the Schlonk on sight because it was know to consume thousands of baby game fish during a single day.
Killing a Schlonk was no mean task. According to the Indians; the Schlonk had to be cut in half. Boiled in water until it turned from a metallic green color to a metallic red color. Removed from the pot and hammered between two stones until a fine paste was formed. This paste was then spread on a flat stone in the hot sun for several days until it was fully dried. Only then could what was left, be burned in the cook fire with special care being taken not to let the smoke come anywhere near any of the food being prepared for the days meal.
It was also discovered, the Schlonk was the only fish in the world which could leave the water after a rain storm and slither overland on the wet ground and up hill, for many miles before needing to return to the water. Mr. Katchum then asked, “How else do you think it has gotten past the Mount Perry Water Falls, for all these years?”
In addition to this Mr. Katchum imparted, “The Schlonk is a dirt eater and feeds on the waste products and heavy metallic substances which fell to the bottoms of sedentary rivers and pools like the settling ponds of the Mount Perry Sewer Works.”
Because of this, the Schlonk was known by the Indians, to carry a multitude of disgusting internal parasites which readily infest human hosts, even after prolonged cooking.
Residents of Mount Perry, Florida are asked to be on the lookout of anyone wearing a “Save The Schlonk” Tee Shirt and report their whereabouts immediately to the Mount Perry Tar and Feather Committee.
