Lyudmila’s Plastic Plant

LYUDMILA’S PLASTIC PLANT
Written April 23, 2001 Fiction 1019 Words
From the book “Tales of Lyudmila”
Copyright © 2001 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.

By

Robert P. Herbst

Seldom does one get a chance to perpetrate a near perfect hoax. This goes as well for me as anyone else. So it was with great satisfaction that I conceived a really neat trick to pull on my pretty little ex-wife.
Lyudmila was about to fly back to Feodosiya, Crimea, Ukraine, to visit with her family. She was going to be gone almost three months. During this time I was to be left alone to my own devices.
Naturally, prior to the trip I carefully set the stage by doing a considerable amount of griping about how I was going to have to take care of the multitude of plants Lyudmila had collected since her arrival here in December of 1998. There were indeed a bunch of them.
Just before she was due to go to the airport I went out and bought a little plastic plant. It was the kind you find sitting about in your favorite dentist’s office. I set it proudly on the front counter and explained to my pretty ex-wife all about how I was going to transplant it into a bigger pot with some decent dirt and grow a much bigger and better plastic plant from the scrawny little thing I had on the counter.
Lyudmila, of course, scoffed at me. “You can’t grow a plastic plant!” She pointed out to me, “It just won’t grow!” She went on and on telling me how a plastic plant is not alive and therefore just can’t grow.
I, on the other hand, explained again how the United States was the land of opportunity and you could do just about anything you wanted to do. Provided you were willing to work at it and, of course, you didn’t infringe on anyone else’s rights in doing so. This only served to make her angrier at me.
We lived in a flat I’d built up over the Perry Office Supply store where we both lived. This was a nice arrangement as I owned the building. Business was slow and there was plenty of time to think of these little pranks.
Not to be put off by all this I took the little plastic plant out into the alley behind the store and carefully transplanted the thing into a larger pot with some dirt I scraped up in the alley, then I watered it. During the whole time Lyudmila went on and on about how I had wasted our hard earned money and what a fool I was for trying to grow a plastic plant.
A few days later I drove her to the airport and sent her off on her trip. During the trip to the airport she was incensed at the idea of a grown man trying to grow a plastic plant and she just wouldn’t let it go.
I watched her board the plane and waved goodby one last time before heading back home. Now it would be my turn to have some fun.
The next day, my first order of business was to go back to the store where I had bought the little plastic plant and purchase it’s big brother. It was a seven foot tall monster of the kind you find in the entrance way to your favorite mall.
I tipped the little plastic plant out of the pot and stuffed the monster in it’s place. Then I carefully watered the dirt in the pot so it would look as if I had been taking good care of it. As I final touch I placed a partially used bag of fertilizer next to the pot.
I was careful not to mention the plastic plant during our numerous phone calls back and forth during her trip. I felt that telling her about the plant would only open the door to discovery of my little prank.
Two and one half months later Lyudmila returned from her trip back home. At the airport she again began berating me about the folly of my trying to grow a plastic plant. I of course said nothing. Naturally there was a warm welcome to her on my part but she would not be put off the subject.
She told me she had described my crazy plan to her mother and they both agreed that I was really gullible to believe such a thing. She told me her mother had commented, “What do you expect from an American city boy?”
On arrival at our home, having worked herself up into a royal snit, Lyudmila stormed out of the car telling me, “No Way! Can plastic plant grow!” She charged through the store to the front window where my plastic giant stood proudly in it’s pot. There was suddenly a strange silence. Suite case in hand I followed her to the front of the store --- but I said nothing.
Lyudmila walked over to the plant and felt the dirt, naturally it was still damp. She looked carefully at the partially used bag of fertilizer and stood back to look at the plastic plant again.
She said nothing more about it. I said nothing about it but I could see the strange expression on her face. Her eyes were wide and round with shock. We went on upstairs in silence and Lyudmila began unpacking.
The next day she called her mother to let her know all was well. Now mind you, I don’t pretend to understand a lot of Russian but there were a few words in the conversation I did pick out. There was, “Robert”, “Plastic Plant” and “Oojas” which means monstrous or huge.
Lyudmila never again mentioned the plastic plant. It still sits there in the front window of our store and when Lyudmila is in this particular section of the shop she gives the plant a wide berth and a suspicious look.
I sit behind my desk trying my best not to laugh. One day I suppose I should tell her what I did — but I’m in no big rush.