My Pet Oyster

MY PET OYSTER
Written October 22, 2003 Fiction 1160 Words.
Copyright © 2003 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.

By

Robert P. Herbst

Once again it is time for the annual Mount Perry Pet Show. In this event all of the residents of our fair city drag their pets into the massive Mount Perry Sports Stadium and Gladiatorial Arena and vie for the first prize given to the person with the most unique and well mannered pet.
Last year Yodar Hoopelhoffer swept the field of competition when he arrived with his pet fourteen foot alligator, Old Red Eye. Old Red Eye got his name because he only has one eye, what else could one call a one eyed alligator? Somehow, Spot or Rover just doesn’t seem to fit.
Anyhow, Old Red Eye arrived at the pet show quite hungry. As the pets were walked past him, on their way to the judges stand, he snapped them up like they were a smorgasbord on a conveyer belt.
As the only remaining pet, Old Red Eye went home the winner of the best pet prize, first, second and third place, for 2002. Yodar was quite happy about this chain of events as he won the ten thousand dollar prize. This year alligators have been banned from the competition. The judges ruled the event was for the judging of pets and not to feed Yodar’s alligator.
After due consideration and the urging of some friends I decided to enter my pet oyster in this years competition. When one gives oysters as pets some consideration, must be given to the initial hesitation on the part of the person getting the oyster as a pet, until they find the oyster their oyster, turns out to be the ideal pet to keep in one’s home.
Feeding your pet oyster is quite simple, just plop it into a tank of dirty salt water and the oyster will filter it clean for you. Should your oyster still look hungry, just add more dirt to the water. Some floor sweepings will do nicely and it will save you the trouble of throwing the dirt outside where it will be unsightly.
One interesting possibility is to add a few grains of sand to the oyster’s diet. Should the sand fall between the oyster and it’s shell, the sand becomes an irritant. Because the oyster likes to be comfortable, it secretes a fluid which hardens around the sand and it slowly grows into a pearl. Once a reasonably large pearl is formed, it might be advantageous to murder your pet oyster, salvage the pearl and get yourself a new oyster.
The money you can get from the harvested pearl should pay for a whole new setup and for a brand new pet oyster. On the other hand, you’d now have two setups for housing oysters and the money should roll in twice as fast.
Oysters don’t make any noise. Aside from the occasional snapping of the shell as it closes the oyster is perfectly quiet. This will make for restful nights and days on end without the annoying barking or meowing noises made by other less desirable pets.
A pet oyster will not jump up on the kitchen counter and lick your dinner when you’re not looking. The oyster tends to remain where it is placed. In fact if left in the same place for a long enough period of time, the oyster will cement itself to its surroundings.
I have never known my pet oyster to dig up my garden to bury or find a bone. In fact, I have placed bones in front of my pet oyster and the oyster did not show the least interest in it nor did the oyster attempt to move it in any way. It just sat there looking at the bone.
Oysters are not known to climb up drapes or curtains. They may look with longing at the curtain but they will not climb on them. Other less desirable pets have been known to shred curtains and drapery. An oyster will just sit back and admire them.
Your mail man is safe from being attacked by a pet oyster. The only time there might be a problem is if your mail man reaches into the tank of water where your oyster lives and tries to pet it. The oyster, being unaccustomed to the touch of your mail man, might just snap shut catching the mail mans finger between the two halves of its shell. Coaxing the oyster to reopen and release the mail man’s finger could be a problem.
Traveling with your pet oyster is no problem at all. Simply slip your pet into your pocket and go where you like. I would suggest you remain quiet about your traveling arrangements. Your fellow passengers, on seeing you traveling with your pet, will be consumed with jealousy. They may just report you to the carrier. As far as I know, there are no laws against carrying a concealed oyster on a public conveyance, but who knows what extremes the carrier will go to, to appease your fellow traveler. It is best to remain quiet about traveling with your pet.
Should you desire to travel without your pet and need boarding facilities, simply put a leash on your pet oyster, take it to the nearest beach and walk it out into the salt water a ways. Find a nice soft oyster bed and place your pet in it until you return. You might consider staining your pet a unique color to facilitate identification on your return.
All oysters look about the same and after some time in the oyster bed your pet may be covered with marine growth. Staining your pet oyster a bright yellow should help identify it on your return, the color of course, is your option.
Frankly, I have spent many hours training my pet oyster to remain perfectly still in the presents of other animals. I certainly wouldn’t want my Oyster doing what Yodar’s Old Red Eye did at this years pet show. I’m going to be very sure my pet is well fed before I go to the judging stand.
There are those of you who will think owning an oyster as a pet is a lost cause. This is not true. With training and understanding of the oysters capabilities, one can train an oyster. My oyster sits on the counter in the front of my store in its tank of dirty water and scans the people who enter the store. Should a “Nare-do-well” attempt to enter the premises, my oyster snaps shut with an audible click.
When I hear the click I have just enough time to grab my shotgun from under the counter and blaze away at the suspected perpetrator. There is one drawback to this procedure, the oyster also snaps shut when a shadow crosses in front of it. I’ve lost a good many good customers this way.