Cramifications

CRAMIFICATIONS
Written January 14, 2008 Fiction 1247 Words
Copyright © 2005 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.

by

Robert P. Herbst

Today the Mount Perry Newspaper and Fish Wrap opened their doors to a storm of protest by the very righteous English speaking people of our beloved city of Mount Perry, Florida. They were very upset over the use of the word “Cramifications” in stead of the word “Ramifications” when speaking of the effect the recent unusual snow fall on our beloved Mount Perry, has had on the Ski Business.
In defense of their position the Newspaper has released a statement designed to appease all of the readers of the paper. The problem came about early Saturday morning when a rare set of weather conditions caused heavy snow to fall about a quarter mile further down the glistening slopes of Mount Perry than is normal.
Naturally this has caused some rather profound problems for our ski industry. This industry, relies heavily on the accumulated snow in order for their patrons to ski down the slopes of our mountain in relative safety, and without problems. Naturally, with the amount of snow normally accumulated by this time of year, it is possible for the skier to gather a goodly bit of speed before reaching the bottom of the ski run. Sometimes in excess of 150 miles per hour.
The end of the run is marked by the complete absence of snow beyond the end of the run. Although this does come as a shock to those skiers who are testing our slopes for the first time, regular users of the slope are familiar with the logistics of the ski run and are ready for the abrupt change in ski conditions.
For those beginners who are unfamiliar with the ski run, a large, strong stone wall has been erected across the end of the run to prevent the novice skier from exceeding the end of the run and winding up in the swamps beyond the wall.
However, there are always those in any group who refuse to abide by the rule ordering the skier to slow down and turn off the run before reaching the wall. This naturally involved the City of Mount Perry to become involved in some rather nasty clean up. To save our tax payers the burden of paying for this clean up. Hungry alligators are encouraged to make their home on the other side of the wall.
I digress, but one must understand the whole situation before delving into the finer points of this outrage by our illustrious citizens. They maintain the word Cramifications does not appear in any known dictionary, while the newspaper insists, this is the only word adequately describing the situation.
The down hill skier, usually starts to run out of ski able snow a short distance from the wall. The wall, although hidden around a sharp bend in the trail is known to be there and all skiers are advised to be careful when nearing the end of the down hill run, lest they run into the wall.
Although the print is a bit fine, so all the wording can be printed on the ticket, the warning is there for all to read.
The root of the problem is with the new fall of snow on Friday night. The new snow has fallen a bit further down the mountain than usual and has covered the usual bare spots in the downhill trail. Both novice and expert alike are taken aback by this and don’t always have a chance to slow down as much as they should.
Then there is also the great number of additional skiers who want to take advantage of the new snow fall on Sunday and have shown up in droves, with money clenched in their hot little fists, begging to go skiing on the fresh snow. How could we turn them away?
By Sunday morning, the word was out about the fresh snow and thousands appeared out of nowhere to test their skill on our slopes. “Oh Lord how the money rolled in!” It was one of the best days ever on record with our ski industry.
This is where the word Cramifications came in. Ordinarily, one would use the word Ramifications to describe an occurrence caused by something like a snow fall, however Ramifications just didn’t seem to fit.
At the end of the ski run, the tired skier is expected to stop, take off their skies and proceed in an orderly fashion through a gate where they could be counted. This insured, no one would be left out on the slopes when they were closed for special events or at the close of the days business.
The gate could handle only 200 hundred people an hour and do the job properly. This means the number on the ticket purchased by the skier at the top of the slope would be canceled out at the gate at the bottom of the slope indicating this skier had made it safely down the slope and was exiting.
Should a number fail to cancel out, the alligators on the other side of the wall, could be checked for illegal feeding by the owner of the missing number. Naturally, if a stuffed alligator is found, a summons is immediately sent to the surviving family with a notification of the fine to be paid.
However, no one thought to tell the people taking the money at the top of the slope about the limitations at the gate below. It is felt, our fearless elected leaders, on seeing the amount of money to be made, neglected to tell the ticket sellers to limit sales to two hundred an hour.
Thousands of skiers all started out early in the morning. On arrival at the bottom of the slope, they could not be checked out quickly enough and a backup began to form at the exit gate. This backup quickly became congestion. As the congestion swelled, the number of people waiting to leave the slopes, could no longer fit in the exit area and began spilling out onto the end of the downhill run.
No one thought to tell the skiers just starting down, there might be a problem at the end of the run. They began slamming into the compacted congestion of people at the end of the run, cramming them against the exit gate with nowhere to go.
And so, with thousands of high speed skiers impacting on the rear of the mob, a stone wall on their one side and a chain link fence with barbed wire on the other side, the skiers were crammed tighter into the gate, they emerged on the other side so tightly packed together they had to be pried apart to read their ticket numbers
Naturally, as the down hill skier often reached speeds in excess of 150 miles per hour, the cramming of bodies together, quickly reached monumental proportions. What would you call it? A Ramification, caused by the recent snow fall? Or a Cramification, caused by the recent snow fall?
In order to resolve the conflict, the Mount Perry Newspaper and Fish Wrap, has graciously extended free tickets to the downhill slope to any and all who wish to experience the thrill of skiing on the fresh snow with no limitation of how many start at once. Votes will be tabulated from the survivors at the end of the work day Monday January 14, 2008 — if any.