OYSTERS
Written November 15, 1992 Fiction 1517 Words.
Copyright © 1992 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
By
Robert P. Herbst
As I sit here, in the solitude of my studio, I contemplate the Oyster. Really, when you come right down to it, the Oyster has achieved great acclaim as a food stuff. It can be found in the best restaurants and used in a multitude of great tasting dishes. They are equally relished when served raw. One has only to consult a cookbook to realize just how many ways there are to prepare and eat Oysters.
We, here in Swamp County, happen to be blessed with close proximity to Apalachee Bay, known to have some of the world's best Oyster fishing grounds. Oysters from our area are flown to New York, among other places, where they are served at the Oyster Bar in Grand Central Station. They are sold at a roaring ten to fifteen dollars a dozen. Of course, I am basing this on eating there way back in the late 1960's. Just think of how lucky we are to have a ready supply of this fruit of the sea, right at our fingertips.
I wonder if anyone has ever given equal consideration to keeping Oysters as pets. Lets face it, when one considers all the facts, the Oyster seems to be the ideal pet. There is no hair to shed, no loud barking or meowing, no scratched furniture, and the list goes on.
Even keeping a alligator seems to have its limitations. Once having exceeded bathtub size, keeping your pet becomes precarious. Even the most tolerant of guests seem to have deep seated problems when faced with the prospect of having a five or six foot alligator loose in the same room with them, especially the bathroom.
Still, one must not completely discount the alligator as a pet. Keeping an alligator does have certain advantages. House guests will usually limit their stay to only one night. In-laws rarely come back or try to move in with you.
Large snakes seem to present, more or less, the same kind of problem. In fact, even small snakes have been known to clear a room. Snakes seem to have gotten their bad rap from this thing with Adam and Eve. However, when you come right down to the bare facts, Eve needed a "patsy" to blame for this forbidden fruit thing. The snake was handy and couldn't talk back. After all, we have only Eve's word the snake spoke to her, and no one has ever heard a snake speak since then.
Cats and dogs are more readily accepted into the home, but they make annoying noises and leave a terrible mess. Not to mention the fact man's best friend has been known to take an occasional chunk out of its benefactor. This particular malady has several different levels of concern depending on whether it's you, your good buddy, or someone you don't like, your best friend has just taken a bite out of.
Oysters, will do none of the above. They are quiet, placid and filter their own water. Once placed in water of the proper salinity, only the addition of bacteria every so often, is required to keep your pet Oyster happy and content.
Walking your pet Oyster on a leash can be a problematical. It is difficult to find collars which fit properly, but all this will change when the world finds out what neat pets Oysters can make. Then one must remember Oysters aren't real quick, and taking your pet for a long walk can be a time consuming drag.
Fleas are no problem at all, I have yet to find a single flea on an oyster. Best of all, the owner of a pet Oyster need never worry about its chewing the furniture or sinking its claws into and trying to climb up the drapes. Oysters seldom climb on or chew anything. Oysters aren't really fussy about temperature so no heaters or warm beds are required to keep your pet happy.
Keeping your pet Oyster in your water bed has been tried on several occasions. It seems if the water in the mattress gets a little low and a person of any real weight sits on it they tend to settle to the bottom. This not only squashes your pet but its sharp shell tends to puncture the plastic mattress bag.
Not needing special temperature consideration makes your pet Oyster an easy traveling companion. To the best of my knowledge, at the time of my writing this story, there are absolutely no regulations prohibiting the transportation of ones pet Oyster in the passenger section of any means of public transportation. Oysters are just about the right size to slip into your pocket. Then once in the car, boat, train, or plane you can take your pet out of your pocket and place it on the seat next to you.
Ignore the looks of your fellow passengers, they are just green with envy and want a pet Oyster of their own. If someone wants to sit in the seat occupied by your pet Oyster simply pick up your pet and place it in your lap. If you then talk to your Oyster, or pet it, you will find the inconsiderate person who has displaced your Oyster will move as soon as another empty seat is available.
I do not recommend sleeping with your pet Oyster. Oyster shells tend to be sharp and will cause irritation to your skin if you roll over on it during the night. People with waterbeds should be doubly careful as Oyster shells can puncture the waterbed mattress and cause a minor flood. One last point, if one becomes amorous with one's pet Oyster, it is well to remember the world is not yet ready to accept a Human Oyster hybrid.
Selection of your pet is easy. Just find a restaurant which offers Oysters on the half shell and ask to see the Oysters BEFORE they are opened. Select one which is about the right size and color combination to match your decor, then have the other eleven opened for your dinner. Ask to have your new found pet washed and wrapped in a paper towel for the trip home.
Drawing from my own personal experience: If I were looking for another pet Oyster, I would go to Roy Deal's World Famous Oyster House, out on Rt. 98 West of Mount Perry. Roy Deal's specializes in Oysters and is known, by most of the folks around here, to have the best and freshest Oysters in these parts.
Once having owned a pet Oyster for any length of time, the idea of eating Oysters may begin to bother you. This is natural. Don't worry about it. You might even get to the point where you talk to your Oyster. There is nothing wrong with talking to your pet Oyster, after all, look at the millions of people who talk to their cat, dog, or what-have-you. As time goes on, you might want to join one of several Oyster owner's societies.
For instance, we have right here in Swamp County, the Swamp County Department of Talking Oyster Owners Relations. This organization is part of the Swamp County Mental Health Administration and if you are talking to your pet Oyster, these people definitely want to talk to you. Especially so if you are convinced your Oyster has answered you.
Now let's face it, there are all kinds of groups out there. I saw a bumper sticker on a car just the other day which said, "Nuke the whales." The car was parked right next to a car which had a bumper sticker telling the world to, "Save the whales." We must all learn to get along with each other no matter what our preference. They like or hate whales, as the case may be.
You like your pet Oyster. To the best of my knowledge, there is no law against keeping a pet Oyster, so have at it. One must, however, be careful about collecting wild Oysters without checking with the local Marine Enforcement Officials. However, one must not go to extremes.
My Mississippi cousin refused to eat in a local restaurant because she maintained she could hear the Oysters scream when the knife was shoved between the two halves of the shell to open them.
She insisted on knocking the Oyster unconscious before it was opened. This is why, in many places, the Oyster Shucker will hit the Oyster with the handle of their knife before trying to open it.
Other people, with less emotional restraint, have been known to jump to their feet and scream, "Murderer!" at the top of their voices, when seeing an Oyster opened for the first time. People like these usually require restraint and immediate professional help.
To the perspective Oyster owners of America, I have only this to say. Yes, it is possible to own a pet Oyster quietly. In fact if you own one now, you are well advised to be very quiet about it.
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Originally Posted by Robert P. Herbst
