I'll Huff and I will Puff and I will Bloooowwww Your House Down !

[Dirk Broer]

My house is not on wheels, but I do have a book about it:OnWheels-Warner.jpg

From Goodreads: "Set in an unlisted future, tribes of motorists careen across the highways of the nation, comprised of individuals born on the road, and who subsequently die on the road, always clicking along at speeds in excess of 40 miles per hour. To drop below this would be tantamount to blasphemy. Never to stop, remaining in perpetual motion, for fear of losing one's sanity or – worse yet – one's manhood. And, hidden within this world, is the woman who rides atop the bird of flames. The myth says that a man only sees her right before he dies (or whenever he has almost died. Or his speedometer rolls past the 50,000,000-mile mark. It's unclear.).

Billy Spoiler finds himself in direct competition with a clan known as the Ramps (every clan member takes their last name from that of their clan – Spoiler, Rail, Turnpike, etc.), and each clan name originates from some highway sight, thus maintaining the dignity of the road). In fact, the book is dedicated to the rivalry between Billy Spoiler and Lee Ramp. They both have much by way of bragging rights to the highways, and – of course – both are romanticizing the same girl. (She is, in fact, the only girl to appear in the novel, excluding for one female driver who gets killed off within the first few pages, face unseen. In a world where women are collectively referred to as “that gash,” and the sole female character is a duplicitous, shrill, two-timing nag – who ends up in need of immediate medical assistance directly because of her husband, our hero Billy Spoiler - this hardly seems surprising.)

Realistic it is not. These drivers never stop – not for refueling, not for traffic backups, not for malfunctioning gear, not for critical medical procedures... nothing stops these vehicles. Whether they are in motion with wheels on the asphalt, or on the bed of a transport truck, they are in a constant forward trajectory. But when one thinks on it, someone must stop somewhere. Who fills up the refueling trucks which provide gasoline to motorists in transit? And, although gasoline-powered vehicles are technically outlawed in this futuristic universe, how can such a thing as a refueling truck be allowed to remain in existence? And isn't it potentially lethal to refuel a car with gas while the engine is not only still engaged, but is hurtling forward at speeds of at least 40 per?

Satire, sure. It's supposed to be more inconceivable than logical. But On Wheels remains a satire that takes itself somewhat too seriously. And the real surprise here is that On Wheels was written by John Jakes - yes, the man who wrote North & South."