Written February 14, 2008 Fiction 1098 Words
Copyright © 2005 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.
Robert P. Herbst
Much to the horror of the residents of this fair town, the locals have awakened from their warm beds to find any water standing in containers outside their homes solidified. This unusual phenomenon has been blamed on a weather anomaly called freezing.
All residents are warned to stay inside until this anomaly passes and things warm up a bit more. Under no conditions is any Mount Perry resident to venture outside without Arctic Conditions Approved Survival clothing. These are extreme conditions for this part of the country and most Mount Perry residents have never experienced this much cold.
This is simply not the way things are done in Mount Perry, Florida. We know this anomaly must have been brought here by someone, it just can’t happen naturally. Our Fearless Elected Leaders have already been relocated to their bomb proof bunkers, where they will continue to direct us and all law enforcement officials until any danger of discomfort is past.
There’s just no way this could ever have happened normally, someone has tampered with our weather to cause this. Rest assured, the fiends will be promptly found and subjected to the full extent of the law. Once apprehended, our Fearless Elected Leaders will emerge from the comfort of their plush underground accommodations to witness the punishment, from their, comfortable enclosed and heated, box seats at the Mount Perry Sports Stadium and Gladiatorial Arena. After all, we can’t have our Fearless Leaders sitting in the same area with the rest of us common folks.
In the mean time, residents are being told the solidified water is nothing more than ice. As the word. “Ice”, is considered something from a foreign language. Residents are instructed to take the solid water to a sunny spot and place it carefully on the ground. Protective garments are to be worn during this, to be sure the solidified water doesn’t touch any exposed skin.
Contact with the skin could cause a rare, but not contagious, disease called, “Frost Bite”, usually found only in the Northern Climates. Residents, noting a cold sensation in their exposed extremities are urged to race to the nearest hospital for treatment of the condition. Do not rely on home remedies. The average home in Mount Perry is simply not prepared nor equipped to deal with this condition.
It is known, Frost Bite is a disease commonly found North of the Mason Dixon Line is not usually found this far South. We simply are not prepared to deal with cold. We suspect this cold is deliberately carried South by Yankees, jealous of the beautiful warm weather here in the “Sunny South”.
They will not be allowed to get away with this deliberate attack on the residents of our beloved town. We will fight back with all the means at our disposal. Unfortunately, wishing our sunny, warm, weather on them, would be counterproductive.
The residents of Mount Perry have been alerted to be on the look out for any one speaking with a strange accent and to report their whereabouts immediately to any uniformed peace officer, or any uniformed member of the. Mount Perry, Army, Nave or Air Force, they can find. Rest assured, undercover operatives of the M. P. I. A. (Mount Perry Intelligence Agency) will be circulating through any gathering of people listening for Yankee Accents.
Once apprehended, there fiends will be promptly tried in a court of our peers by our local judge who is on record as saying, “You will not be heard in my court, unless you are represented by a paid attorney.”
Naturally, this judge, a good old boy to be sure, has already been informed; any monies carried by these illegal nar-do-wells found in Mount Perry, has already been stripped from them as well as their access to contact outside Mount Perry upon arrest. They will be found guilty.
Once found guilty, these fiends will be held in the Gladiator Pens under the floor of the Mount Perry Sports Stadium and Gladiatorial Arena, until Sunday morning when they will be paired to fight to the death with other offenders in Gladiatorial matches.
These paired matches will be televised by the Mount Perry Television Company, World Wide, as a warning to any other Yankees wishing to interrupting our perfect weather conditions. It is hoped, spectacles such as this will cause future perpetrators to consider their actions carefully before trying to bringing their cold conditions to our beloved city.
We already have enough cold at the top of our beloved Mount Perry. Fortunately, most citizens are never exposed to this cold. They only experience it when they have to walk the short distance from the parking lot to the Court House on county business.
Survivors of these paired matches will be held over until next Sunday when they will be offered the opportunity to absolve themselves of their misdoing by wrestling 14 foot long alligators, bare handed, in one on one matches. Naturally, we want to be fair about all this, so the alligator will have a long, but stout, rope tied to their tails. The other end of the rope will be secured to something yet to be determined, — if anything.
As the people of Mount Perry do not want to be accused of cruel and inhuman treatment of either man nor beast, we do recognize this is the middle of Winter. The weather may be cool, the offenders may be cold as they will wrestle their alligators naked.
Addressing this problem with our usual warm hearted Southern Hospitality, the arena will be flooded with four feet or warm water for the comfort of both offender and alligator. The offenders will be as naked, as will the alligator, in the interest of fair play to all involved.
Tickets for these events are on sale as we speak at the Swamp County Court House atop our beautiful, glistening, snow covered, Mount Perry. Rest assured, part of the money taken in from the sale of these tickets will go toward the health of the survivors of this last spectacle, as free Gator Aid will be given to the alligators to prevent any possibility of indigestion after the fact.
All haste must be taken to apprehend the villains before the evidence melts. This has been a real problem in the past. Refrigeration might be considered tainting the evidence, so all haste is needed in the roundup of suspects. Once in custody, the trial will be immediate and the punishment rapid.