FIGHTING CLAMS
Written July 20, 2008 Fiction 1050 Words
Copyright © 2008 Robert P. Herbst. All rights reserved.

by

Robert P. Herbst

The practice of breeding animals to fight each other for the amusement of spectators and the profit of breeders, has been around for countless ages. While this so called sport flourishes, there are just as many groups opposed to these fights. They are called “Animal Rights Groups” and they maintain the breeding of animals specifically to fight is a form of cruelty to animals.
Recently, these animal rights groups have gained the favor of the government in many countries and the fighting of animals as a spectator sport has been outlawed. One might think our government has better things to worry about, but we, the common citizen, are not aware of the whole picture.
Some of these groups object so fervently, they don’t want animals fighting in the wild and advocate a Federal Law making fighting between animals wild or domestic a felony. There animals, once convicted, could then be deprived of their civil rights and jailed. Of course, this might be considered an extreme measure, but just look at some of the other laws these self righteous whackos have managed to push through.
I am absolutely sure our Fearless Elected Leaders know what is best for us and have great faith in the ability of our government to make laws to protect us from ourselves. Even with things like gun control, the government limits the right of the ordinary citizen to defend themselves, by making sure only the criminal will be armed with a gun. This law is to make sure only one person gets hurt during the commission of a crime.
The principal is really quite sound. The robber is committing the crime because he/she has no money. If they were injured during the commission of the crime, we the tax payer would have to pay for their hospitalization.
The robber isn’t going to bother with anyone who doesn’t have any money, unless they are a tad on the stupid side. So if the person being robbed is hurt, they would have the money to pay for their own hospitalization. Makes perfect sense to me.
Now, certain under cover operatives of the M. P. I. A. (Mount Perry Intelligence Agency), have disclosed, in a secret report, which can not be verified, stating there are various unscrupulous breeders at work in the back woods of Maine producing the feared Maine Fighting Clam.
They work tirelessly producing hybrid clams, genetically engineered for the sole purpose of fighting to the death. They do this expressly for the amusement of crowds of drunken spectators who crowd into the stadium on Saturday and Sunday to watch these unfortunate creatures fight to the death, — and of course, for profit.
The breeders start the process by wrestling a large Maine Quahog Clam out of the tidal mud in one of Maine’s many mud flats and dragging the hapless clam back to their laboratory for diagnostics and testing, although a wild Maine Fighting Clam could hardly be considered hapless.
Once inside the laboratory, genetic samples are taken and the DNA of the clam is analyzed to determine if the creature has the necessary aggressive spirit to make a good fighting clam. Only aggressive mean tempered clams are kept at the laboratory. The other meeker clams are sent through a special portal in the back of the laboratory to become part of Maine’s favorite dish, clam chowder.
Should the clam possess the necessary traits and aggressive spirit, the DNA is harvested and augmented by adding the DNA of other shellfish to enhance the clams fighting ability. Scallop DNA is added for the speed and agility, necessary to avoid attack by the opponent.
For instance, the DNA of the common Long Island Hard Shelled Clam is added to strengthen the shell of the fighting clam and give the shellfish better protection from attack. Various other genetic enhancements are incorporated in the Fighting Clam including some genetic material from the Octopus.
The finished item is the feared Maine Fighting Clam. However, the insidious work goes on as the clam is taught to use the new speed, strength and mobility given during the manipulation of the genetic base.
Yodar Hoopelhoffer, the Mount Perry town idiot attempted to duplicate this process with the Apalachicola Bay Oyster, but his effort, although partially successful, was doomed to failure because the oyster was unable to move from place to place with any great speed.
The genetically altered clam is then put on a tread mill and forced to scurry along at over an inch every ten minutes or so, until the owner is satisfied the clam is strong enough to hold up under the adverse conditions found in the fighting arena.
Then the clam is taught to use the eyes it obtained in the scallops genetic material to determine where the opponent is and to use the scallops speed to attack swiftly in a before an opponent can be ready for the attack.
Lastly the strength of the Octopus is used to wrench the opponents shell open so a death stroke can be administered. Although this might indicate any opponent entering the arena without genetic enhancement would be grossly over matched by a genetically enhanced clam, the Maine Fighting Clam is also forced to learn “Dirty Tricks”.
It would seem the teaching of dirty fighting tricks to a clam might be considered overkill, but it seems this is what has upset the Worlds Animal Rights Groups and driven them to such a frenzy.
One of the more insidious techniques is to place the novice Fighting Clam in several gallons of dirty sea water and keep it there until the water is clean again. Every time the clam attempts to flee the dirty water, the creature is forced back into the filthy surroundings until the creature reluctantly accepts the surroundings..
Although, the outlaw breeders assure us this is done to teach the Fighting Clam the value of a clean environment and healthy life style, Animal Rights Groups insist it is so the Main Fighting Clam can force the other clams shell open, insert the Pseudo podia between the two halves of the opponents shell and choke the other clam to death on toe jam.